(that i didn't expect to share here. I keep a journal for my family. However, I was convicted to share this with you.)
If I never had to take this chemo again, I would be so happy. It’s been a little over two years of taking Trodelvy: the most difficult 2 years of this journey. I feel like I don’t have another treatment left in me. I’m so weak/weary. Let’s pretend this cancer thing never happened. I need a reset, a do over of the last 7 years. My heart and body hurt, and the Lord knows my pains.
I want this burden of cancer/treatment lifted off of Mama too. It’s wearing not only me but her down. She never says it, but after all, she is the Mama. She bears the most pain inside.
Okay, I’ll stop pretending. Cancer is a hard life to live. For me, it’s not getting easier physically. I’m getting older. The weeks feel the same. Appointment after appointment, treatment after treatment, sitting in a comfy chair getting liters of fluids pumped in my body. I’m exhausted.
The Lord has me here, but for what reason? I know the obvious that I committed to years ago: to be His hands, His feet, and His voice through cancer. But what specifically? I surrender my questions, Lord.
It’s one minute from 3am this Monday night. I want to sleep. However, all the drugs put in my body today won’t let me. Chemo was tougher than usual.
What happened to that life doing children’s ministry? Or the red headed-Jesus loving husband I hoped for? Or being a mom? Or… that’s right…those were my plans.
Yes, Jesus. You are the answer. You are sovereign over all. You know all things. You give me Your presence, joy, peace, and love even while my heart is breaking and my body is hurting. Even right now, I know Your presence, and You are forever mine. Lord - be my satisfaction, my rest, my hope, and my only desire. Continue to cause the suffering of cancer to make me know You more deeply and share You more boldly. I submit myself again to your will for me. Use me. After all, If I’ve learned one thing these last years: You are so, so good. I know that more tonight than ever before.
“Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.”
Habakkuk 3:17-19, ESV Bible
Melissa
